


Toxic

by showtiime, vclkyries



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Anal Sex, Angst, Emotions, Fighting, Fluffy, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern AU, Smutty, Soulmate AU, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, alexander is tiny and pure, he needs thomas rn, john adams is an asshole, lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-08-15 23:35:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8077735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showtiime/pseuds/showtiime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/vclkyries/pseuds/vclkyries
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE*** He couldn’t shake off the undying want for his soulmate, tugging up his sleeve again and cradling his small wrist to his chest, his eyes running over the words for the millionth time that day. A name that he had had all his life. The name of who he was supposed to love. “Thomas Jefferson” The name sounded so foreign on his lips but so close to his heart. ***Alexander Hamilton is without his soulmate. However, he is with the man who hurts him everyday, in more ways than one.





	1. Adams

“I love you.” 

Alexander Hamilton was a bitter man. He unconsciously resented all that had to do with that stupid 3 letter phrase. In reality however, how could he not be bitter? That phrase had never done him any good. He had met his soulmate already -- they dated for a while but they had long since broken up. What was meant to be a fairy tale meeting turned to arguments, pain and eventual heartbreak. Everything in Alex’s life felt like it was going right until it wasn’t. It didn’t get better. It just kept getting worse and worse. And now here he sat, feeling more alone that he ever had asking _what the hell happened_? 

***

If Alex thought back to it, he might be able to track when it started going downhill. He had just broken up with his boyfriend, and he met another man who had been nice to him at first, but after awhile, things started to subtly change for the worst. He started belittling Alex’s opinion, he never let Alex speak to other guys, he ruined what little of Alexander’s life he still had. He tried to be positive, thinking that maybe he could help him with his issues and make him better, but it really changed the first time he hit him. That was when Alex knew, he’d started something and he wasn’t going to get out of it. 

It was also when Alexander began noticing changes within himself. The once confident, outspoken man had turned to a small, meek one. Every time he walked into work, it seemed as though his self-esteem had dropped a little more. It was a painful process to watch for those around him as well as confusing when they noticed how little he spoke anymore. His friends had caught on quickly to what was happening, but Alex was quicker to deny their concern. He was insistent on the fact that he and his boyfriend were fine, but his friends could easily see through those blatant lies. They understood how bad it was when Alex showed up to work with a bruised eye using the excuse that he had walked into a door. 

Lafayette had taken up visiting him every so often, always attempting to find more reasons for Alex to leave his boyfriend. Alex always took is as bias -- Laf was friends with his soulmate so it’d only make sense that he didn’t want them together. Then, Peggy joined the debate, constantly threatening to beat Adams up. It always worried Alex when she would say that, and he would beg her to just leave it alone, not wanting to drag his friends any further into it in case Adams tried to do something to them. Peggy would still offer her assistance, but she must have seen the true fear in Alex’s eyes, and she reluctantly obeyed his wishes.

Suddenly, Alexander shook himself out of his reminiscing and brought himself back to his surroundings. He was looking down at his wrist, lightly tracing the black, elegant letters with his fingers. Reading the name, he found himself brought into a new set of regretful thoughts. His soulmate. His soulmate that he lost. His failed relationship. He quickly pushed away the thoughts and dropped his arm to his side, feeling nostalgia wash over him. Although he would never tell anybody, he missed the man tattooed on his wrist. He missed how he felt with him. He missed the memories they had made.

At about that time, he distantly heard the door slam shut, and he pushed those feelings away before he could get any deeper into them as his name was called.

Startling at the sharp, “ _Alex!_ ” he hurriedly pulled up his sweatshirt sleeve to cover the name. Adams never liked it when he saw the the tattoo that’s been marked on his wrist, knowing that by fate, Alexander would never truly belong to him. It really hurt Alex as well, but it was because he knew that he could never have what he had ever again. Not when he traded it for something much more poisonous than he could have ever imagined it being.

He took a deep breath and composed himself before Adams walked into the room, flashing an arrogant smile at Alex. He almost recoiled at the sight, hating the attention he got from his boyfriend, due to the fact that he never knew whether or not it was good. Even when he wore a large grin, Alex always worried it was some kind of cruel facade used to fool him. Still, he tried not to think about it as he forced a polite voice and asked in a way he hoped was casual, “How was your day, John?”

Stripping off his jacket, Adams threw it lazily over the couch, landing close to Alex. “It was fine,” he says indifferently, “I had to talk with Lee about a few things happening at work, but everything is sorted out now.” He stepped closer to Alex, then moved to gently cradle his cheek in the palm of his hand. “What about you, love?”

Smiling at the faint touch, it was moments like those in which Alex could fool himself into thinking that maybe their relationship wasn’t so bad. His friends just don’t see this side of Adams, he would tell himself as he’s treated like fragile glass, they’ve only ever seen him whenever he was acting like a prick. Adams really was nice to him sometimes, his friends just couldn’t see the part of him that Alex had fallen in love with. He doesn’t always hurt him, only when Alex acts out of line. When he would be hurt by him, it was out of love, he’d tell himself.

“My day was fine,” he responded, choosing his words carefully. “Work wasn’t too hectic.”

His vague words didn’t seem to matter, as his mention of his work seemed to bring a much more tense air into the room. “You haven’t been talking to that other John that works with you, right?” Adams asked in a sharp voice. The grip Adams had on Alex’s chin suddenly grew tighter, and while it wasn’t enough to hurt yet, it still shot a spike of fear down Alex’s spine. He dared to look straight at Adams, and seeing the glint of jealousy and anger in his eyes only made him feel worse.

He gulped, then averted his eyes and mumbled, “No, sir. I wouldn’t do that to you, not again.”

Adams was satisfied with his answer and loosened his grip on Alex. He let out a small sigh of relief and felt a smile touch his lips when John lowered his head and laid a gentle kiss on them. He felt a melty, nice feeling in his chest. John was in a good mood today so maybe he’d get more freedom. Hopefully, Adams wouldn’t hit him again. He hated it when Adams hit him. 

“So, my dear, have you made dinner yet.” John asked, an expectant and threatening tone in his voice. 

Shit. Alexander had completely forgotten about that. Feeling his heart speed up, he quickly searched his mind for a good excuse. John was looking at him with narrowed eyes, and Alex could practically feel the growing anger rolling off the taller man in thick, unstoppable waves. He lied his hand on John’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him before blurting out a quick, “I thought it’d be romantic if we got take out today and just cuddled.” 

Alex snapped his mouth shut as his response seemed to make John even more angry. “Jesus Alex, you’re so fucking lazy. You just want to spend more money, don’t you? Is what I give you not enough?” The man spat, so much hatred in his tone that Alex just winced and lowered his head. He always told himself that it was better just to let it happen than face the consequences of fighting back.

“No response?” Adams sneered, shifting to lift a hand in the air. Alexander expected it to come down and strike him, but it gripped his neck instead and forced their eyes to meet. He gritted his teeth and tried to calmly breathe through his nose as Adams spoke again, “You used to be so full of things to say, dear. Whatever happened to that, hmm?” He didn’t give Alex the chance to respond, even though Alex didn’t plan to say anything, as he shoved him away and snapped, “Just go back to the room. Since you’re so incompetent, it looks like I’ll have to make dinner myself. Don’t you dare leave until I come back, got it?” 

Taking another deep breath as he could finally breathe again, he nodded and stalked down the hallway, muttering, “Of course, _love._ ” He didn’t think Adams would bother to make him anything as well, and he didn’t feel like he deserved it, anyways. He had failed, _again._

Once the door was open, he stepped inside and sat on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands. “Damn it,” he hissed out loud, unable to control the anger at himself, “I can’t believe I forgot, shit, he’s gonna be so much worse later tonight.” He brought his legs up to his chest, dreading to think of what he would do later on. 

Alexander always made mistakes and he was convinced that he deserved every hit, punch, kick and whatever John would give to him. Yes, it hurt sometimes but Alex was forgiving enough to understand that what John was doing was best for him. It was just how things were supposed to be. This is just how relationships are supposed to work. Yes, his soulmate and him never worked this way but his soulmate and him weren’t necessarily couple of the year either. He ran his hands through his hair, frizzing up what was left of his nice ponytail. A fresh wave of anxiety was rushing through his body, lighting up his veins with a fearful buzz. He hadn’t eaten tonight either, and although he’d never tell John, he was hungry. It wasn’t always great being so rule bound. 

Alex sat in their bedroom a while longer, leaning against the headboard with his legs cradled around his chest for a solid hour or so, just waiting and anticipating what was to come next. He jumped a little, startled, when the door was roughly thrown open and a furious looking John walked in. He swallowed and backed up a little, becoming even smaller and more submissive toward the unforgiving man. He felt a hand lightly cup his cheek and flinched, looking up slightly to meet dark eyes, still swimming with annoyance. He uncurled a little bit, hoping John had calmed his temper and just wanted to talk.

However, as he stared deep into the glare that bore into his skin, Alex realized that it wouldn’t end as peacefully as that. John never just wanted to talk, and he knew tonight wouldn’t be any different.

That was when he was struck, the hand coming down hard on his cheek. He hissed and whimpered, falling sideways. He instinctively put his arms up to cover his face from any more damage but they were forced aside with a growl from John. Tears welled up but he tried his best to fight them back as Adams threw another hit. His cheek was burning and that’s what eventually caused the dam in his eyes to completely fall apart, tears spilling.

Too much time had passed, and he had spaced out as the hits’ impact seemed to dull. That’s what he always did when this happened. He became numb and just let John do whatever he wanted because he knew that soon, the man would get bored and go back to the loving one he fell in love with. 

The beating continued for another 5 minutes before it stopped, Adams panting as he had released all his anger out on his much smaller boyfriend. John left the room to take a shower and Alexander was still on the bed, trembling partially due to fear and partially due to pain. He touched his cheek gently and it stung horribly. He shakily stood up and walked toward the mirror in their bedroom, noticing dark red spots all over the side of his face. He had been hit so many times that several veins had popped. He sighed quietly, knowing that in the morning, he’d have a lot to clean up. 

A small thought came into his mind, and while Alexander was still scared and upset from the pain he had endured, he couldn’t resist. Shakily, he rolled up his sleeve and stared again down at the name permanently engraved into his skin. He sighed, tracing the letters again sadly as he thought of the man he had before. Christ, only seeing the name was enough to bring a new wave of tears when he remembered that he could never get him back.

He allowed himself to indulge in wishing again for those lost times, but upon hearing the faintest sound of a shower curtain drawing back accompanied by footsteps stepping onto tile, he rolled the sleeve back over his wrist to cover it. He felt tears fall onto his hand as he thought bitterly of how Adams insisted on treating him compared to what he had with his soulmate.

 _I deserve it, though,_ Alex thought angrily. _I was being selfish again_.

A little voice in the back of his head told him _no, no, this isn't your fault,_ which annoyingly sounded like the man he was supposed to be with. The man that should be at his side right now, instead of John…

Then, he pushed the thought away as he saw John step into sight in the mirror’s reflection. Guilt pressed into his chest, even more angry at himself for thinking longingly for someone else. He knew it was those kinds of thoughts that made John do the things he did to Alex. It is my fault, Alex thought sadly as John approached him wordlessly, holding out his arm and allowing Alex to slip into his touch. At least he didn’t seem as mad anymore.

Leading him back to the bed, he sat them both down and stroked a hand over the marks he left Alex with. Neither spoke for a few minutes, until John leaned forward and left a small kiss on his forehead. “You know I love you, sweetheart,” he whispered softly. “I wouldn't have to do this to you if only you…” He trailed off there, looking down at Alex’s wrist that’s been covered by the long sleeves. They both knew what he was thinking, and Alex was worried that he was about to cause another argument.

Swallowing and hoping not to fan the flames, Alex leaned into his side and said, “I know, John. I love you, too.” He wouldn’t tell him that he had been thinking of the person that he’s been destined to, knowing that acknowledging it would only make it worse.

Thankfully, either John didn't seem to have a lot of his energy, or he was satisfied with Alexander’s answer. It didn’t matter what it was to Alex, since all John did was lean back onto the pillows and sigh deeply. Not sure if he would want to hold him tonight, Alex crawled over to the other side of the bed and hid under the cover of their blankets, as if the fabric could somehow protect him from John’s never-ending anger towards him. He didn’t bother changing into lighter clothes, he didn’t feel like he had any energy left to move at all. His face was still burning and his body ached. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, but it was one he had gotten used to.

John rolled onto his side, lazily draping his arm around Alexander’s waist, right upon a healing bruise. Alex suppressed an audible whimper and let the pain die down. He felt John huff and pull him somewhat aggressively toward his body. By now, he had accepted how Adams was -- forgiven him for almost everything he did. There was nothing else he could do at this point. Although John’s grip on him was tight and uncomfortable, he thanked nobody in particular that his boyfriend was no longer mad. 

Now alone in the silence with his thoughts, he found the deeply hidden feelings he had been trying to repress for a long time swim hollowly around in his chest. He tried to ignore it at first, but when his mind would lock onto something, it would take a lot to finally be free. He felt his hand subconsciously reaching for his wrist again, fingers pressed onto the name. It sounded so perfect on his tongue when he said it out loud but, of course, he’d never let John see it. He tugged down his sleeves slightly, mentally scolding himself for thinking about his soulmate at all -- it wasn’t right, especially if he was already with someone. _Someone that you love,_ he reminded himself. _Someone who loves you._ He felt guilt swell in his chest once more, suddenly paying attention to John’s gentle breathing in the nape of his neck. 

But still, he couldn’t shake off the undying want for his soulmate, tugging up his sleeve again and cradling his small wrist to his chest, his eyes running over the words for the millionth time that day. A name that he had had all his life. The name of who he was supposed to love. 

“ _Thomas Jefferson._ ” The name sounded so foreign on his lips but so close to his heart.


	2. Chapter 2

Alexander awoke the next morning pressed tightly to the chest of his boyfriend of whom was still fast asleep. He didn’t try rolling out of his grip, feeling grateful for this moment of quiet during the gradual sunrise. It wouldn’t last when Adams woke up, he knew that, so he sunk back into his arms and was able to convince himself again that he really was loved by this man.

The throb of his cheek followed up by a fierce pounding in his head made his thoughts start to waver, but he tried not to let it get to him. He already felt guilty enough for thinking of his soulmate when he was being held by the man he’s supposed to love. A wave of pain washed over him again as he tilted his head, and he gritted his teeth to keep from crying out.  _ He does love me _ , he told himself in an attempt to keep the pain at bay,  _ this was my own fault _ . He shouldn’t be so selfish in thinking that John didn’t love him and that he would rather be somewhere else. He shouldn’t think like that. 

He felt the other man shift behind him, groaning something about needing to get up for work. The way his arm dragged across Alexander’s waist was excruciating but he bit his tongue to keep from screaming out. The bruise that John had left a week earlier was still there and he knew that it wouldn’t heal for a while. It made every movement against it, even the faintest touch, cause pain to shoot through his entire midsection. When John finally rolled completely off him, he let out a sigh of relief, enjoying being free from his lover’s borderline deadly grasp. 

“Better get up, Alexander,” John said, his voice thick with sleep as he moved over. “It won't do you any good to be late today.”

Alex nodded curtly, shifting gently to sit himself up. Although John was still tired, Alex knew that he’d only piss him off further if he didn’t get moving. He didn’t want to stay in bed anyway, the faster he could get up, the faster he’d get away from the house and into his workplace. At least when he was there, he didn’t have to worry about John’s treatment going overboard. He was smart enough to acknowledge that John’s punishment sometimes went a little too far, but he still couldn’t help the slight burn in his mind which told him that he deserved it somehow. John was a good man… right? 

Forcing himself onto his feet, he walked to his closet and dressed in silence. He made sure to face away from the mirror and Adams, not wanting to see the deep set of blue and purple against his skin, or the man that had put them there. He grabbed the makeup he had neatly stored in the corner of the drawer and applied it over any visible bruises -- or at least the bruises he couldn’t cover up with his clothes. 

The light fabric of his clean outfit sliding against the marks made him ache even more, but he didn’t dare open his mouth to complain. He couldn’t make a sound. John didn’t like his sleep being disturbed. He instinctively tugged down his sleeves as to hide the tattoo. He wanted this morning to go as smoothly as possible. Slowly, he hesitantly left the room to make breakfast for the two of them. He hated the feeling of walking on eggshells on the man who supposedly loved him.  _ Alexander, shut up, he loves you, stop being selfish,  _ his mind scolded him. 

He got the ingredients from the fridge and began to mix up some pancakes knowing that it was John’s favourite breakfast. Then, he lost track of time, robotically making the meal, knowing the John would come out soon. He was in the middle of putting the food on some plates when his boyfriend emerged from their bedroom, a grumpy look on his face. Alex swallowed nervously, now praying that this morning would just go smoothly. 

“Hurry the fuck up.” John snapped and Alexander moved to rush quickly to place the food in front of him. 

Adams eyed it wearily before nodding in approval before leaning over and leaving a gentle kiss on Alexander’s lips. Alex smiled. He liked it when John kissed him, hugged him, spoke kind words to him rather than hit him and insult him. He sat down across from his boyfriend, eating his pancakes, making sure than John was acting okay. Luckily, John seemed satisfied with what he was giving, beginning some morning small talk. Alex only half-listened as he allowed his mind to wander. He felt like he could breathe properly.

When they finished up, Alex smiled shyly at John, making the other raise an eyebrow. John rarely smiled at him but when he did, it made Alex happy. His boyfriend stood up, making his way toward the smaller man. Alex felt fear build in his chest as he watched John near him but it quickly melted away when John intertwined their fingers and pulled Alexander up. He hugged Alex gently and the smaller man happily snuggled into his embrace. John pulled away slightly, his fingers playing with the tips of Alex’s hair as he opened his mouth to speak. 

“I’m worried about you, sweetheart. I just want to remind you that you can’t talk to that other John, don’t talk to any other guys unless you have to, you can’t go anywhere when work lets out, don’t leave work for your lunch break, you have to cook me dinner. Does that sound reasonable, baby?” Adams asked softly, brushing Alex’s side.

Alex nodded numbly, his eyes not looking into John’s anymore. John didn’t trust him today and that kind of hurt. He still nodded though, not wanting to cause any unnecessary trouble. John nodded approvingly before telling Alex that it was time for him to leave for work. He was given a final kiss before he had to leave for the office. John didn’t have to leave for another few hours and Alex thought that maybe that was why he was so paranoid. 

_ Whatever,  _ he thought,  _ John has nothing to worry about anyways.  _

***

Alexander made it to work safely. He checked his watch, grateful when he realised he was way early. He got off the bus, groaning when he remembered he had a meeting with Washington first thing in the morning. Apparently his boss had some special news to tell him -- something about a new employee that he was meant to work with. He didn’t care. This was procedure so he’d do it. Even if it was weird this new employee was so important that Alexander had to work with him, it mattered little to him. But then again, it wasn’t as though he had a choice in the matter.

He walked into the office building, making a beeline for the coffee machine, spotting his friends standing around it as well. It was the highlight of his day to actually get time to talk to his small group but he was always worried that John was going to find out. 

“Alexander!  _ Mon ami _ , nice to see you this morning,” Laf said, clapping a hand over his back.

Alex smiled and drifted into their conversation, getting immersed in their discussion about the state American politics. Lafayette, the Frenchman, had a lot to say about his hatred toward this and that political candidate. Alex enjoyed talking to someone with energy and passion, it was refreshing to hold a conversation with someone who wouldn’t belittle him. While his thoughts and ideas usually ran too fast, he rarely spoke them anymore, but he appreciated his friends for trying to make up for his strange silence for him.

The conversation moved onto different topics every few minutes as they settled into their environment, with Alexander adding in every few minutes in hopes of not worrying his friends. Lafayette didn’t buy into his act, which was clear by the concern in his eyes as he observed Alex closely. Alex forced himself to resist the urge to cover up the areas he knew would have been obvious as to what happened last night, telling himself that it was well hidden by the makeup. The Frenchman’s gaze seemed to pierce through his facade, but Alexander held up the pretense as long as he could while among his other coworkers.

Clearing his throat, Lafayette leaned close to Alex, asking as he subtly scanned his eyes over any visible areas for any marks, “So, Alexander, I trust you’ve heard of our newest employee, yes?” He looked straight at Alex, and from his expression, he knew that Lafayette would chase him down when they were alone and ask how he was doing.

Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Alex moved further away, unable to take his friend’s overly-concerned scrutiny. “Of course,” he responded, wishing to sink into his outfit to hide. “I know that there is a new employee, just not who.” 

Lafayette raised an eyebrow as if he knew something Alex didn’t. Alexander fidgeted awkwardly under his intense gaze before the Frenchman hummed in approval and turned back to the conversation, giving Alex a few side glances here and there. The conversation took a turn for the boring -- well, at least Alex couldn’t understand it. He looked down at his watch and squeaked.

“Something wrong, man?” Hercules asked, giving a strange look to Alexander. 

He smiled and shook his head frantically, giving them all a quick hug before saying a quick, “Gotta blast!” and running toward Washington’s office.

He was around 15 minutes late. Damn daydreaming. He stumbled into Washington’s office, panting and a list of excuses already flying from his mouth before he actually took the time to stop and observe what was going on. There was a man sitting across from Washington. Alex’s vision took a few seconds to focus, but when his eyes met the man who had curiously turned to face him, that’s when the entire world felt like it had frozen in place.

Alex’s shoulder tensed, his entire body stiffening. The world stopped moving, time had completely stopped, no words were being said. Alex felt a small tremor radiate through his body as memories rushed through his mind as he gazed at the man in the office chair. 

It was him. His beautiful soft poof of his long dark curls. His plump, talented lips. His dark eyes. His hideous magenta suit jacket. His black glasses, perched high on his nose. His gorgeous chocolatey skin. It was  _ him. _

" _Thomas_ ," the whisper came from his lips.

Thomas met his wide-eyed look with a much more calm reaction, but Alexander was always good at telling his true emotions. He would appear relaxed to anyone else, but his posture was tense and the masked fear under his eyes reminded Alex of a deer in the headlights.

Nobody spoke or tried to fill the tense silence between them. Washington only looked between them, as if he expected one of them to speak first. Alex hoped that his boss didn’t expect him to explain himself right now, he didn’t feel like he had the mental strength to do anything except stand still and try to calm his breathing and overwhelming thoughts that he’s tried to push away for so long. He tried to shove them far, far away into the back of his mind, hide them as soon as he could, but now that he was so close to Thomas, his mind refused to obey as it allowed every thought of his soulmate to pour into his veins. Alex felt as if he were drowning in every traitorous thought, feeling the hot-white shame burn through him as he remembered he wasn’t supposed to be thinking of Thomas like that. At least, not anymore.

Regardless, he couldn’t help staring at Thomas, his natural longing for his soulmate even stronger now that he was in his presence. Thomas only stared right back, and Alex wished he was also born with the power to read minds. He could only guess what was going through his soulmate’s head at that moment, but he was distracted by just observing him after so long. His soft eyes, his arms that were bulky from muscle, the bouncy, coiled hair...  _ God, he’s more beautiful than I remembered _ . He tried not to think of the other man who he was expected to make dinner for tonight, but the guilt was too much.

Finally, Thomas interrupted his thoughts by standing up, but he didn’t move in Alex’s direction. His eyes were still wide, but he cleared his voice and spoke in a level tone, “It’s… been awhile, Alexander.”

Oh,  _ fuck _ , his voice. Alexander practically melted at the sound of it. It reminded him of many things, but one that stood out to him was the feeling of peace that came with that of a sunset, with its lovely mix of warm colors that descend slowly into the blue depths, dappled with the tiny dots of light in the sky. Warmth and beauty were laced into the pitch, grace stitched into every syllable of his name, spoken with a Virginian tongue that Alex was helpless to resist.

Alex almost wanted to laugh at himself for being so ridiculous. All of these years, and he’s still creating poetry in his head about the way Thomas speaks.

When he didn’t respond, though, Thomas took the first step towards him. That set off loud alarms in his mind, and the ringing in his head was too much for him as he stumbled backwards. All he could suddenly think about was  _ John, John, John, he’s not gonna like this, I can’t do this, this is too much _ , as he frantically turned around, gasping quick apologies as he found his way to the door and ran out. He wasn’t sure where he could hide, but he just had to get out of that room before he did something stupid like actually talk to Thomas and possibly fall back in love with him.

_ “Alexander. My Alexander.” Came Thomas’s smooth voice as he gazed into Alex’s eyes with something that could only be described as adoration. _

_ “I’m yours.” Alex whispered back, leaning up and giving Thomas a gentle kiss. “Your Alexander.”  _

_ Thomas grinned, absolutely and positively lovesick. He loved every single bit of Alexander with all his being. The way Alex’s eyes flickered with light when a new idea seeped into his mind, and the way his laugh was borderline melodic made Thomas melt. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind Alex’s ear and leaned down to kiss his soulmate once more, the kiss lasting longer.  _

_ His entire body was buzzing with happiness as their lips fit together like two puzzle pieces. How their bodies intertwined in a gentle embrace. How Alex practically sunk into Thomas. It wasn’t just Alex. It wasn’t just Thomas. It was Alex and Thomas, inseparable soulmates. The best of lovers. Two men that were made for each other.  _

_ “I love you.” Thomas whispered.  _

He had hidden in the bathroom, hands tugging on his hair roughly as he thought to himself how big a mess this whole situation would be. He felt panic rise in his body as he shook slightly, trying to contain all of his emotions safely. Lock them away. However, this clearly wasn’t working out. He’d chewed on his bottom lip so much it had cracked and was bleeding. He kept thinking back to Thomas’s words.  _ It’s… been awhile, Alexander.  _ What was that supposed to mean? He let out a frustrated grunt before standing up, his legs feeling like jelly. 

_ “Fuck off, Thomas!” Alex screamed, eyes blurring with tears.  _

_ This was now an all too common occurrence. Screaming, fighting and then they’d kiss, allowing themselves to fall deeper into each other. They loved each other relentlessly but disagreed on so many things. Alexander was shaking with anger and Thomas was standing right across from him, eyes narrowed. However, their arguments created doubts. Many doubts. If they were meant to love each other, how come they fought so often? _

_ And then, tears began to fall.  _

_ As if it were instinct, Thomas rushed forward, holding Alex close to his chest in a tight hug. Seeing his soulmate cry was incredibly painful. Alex weakly attempted to push away but Thomas was clearly bigger and much stronger than he was. It didn’t take him for him to relax into the kind hug. Alex always felt good when he was around Thomas. Well, most of the time at least. It was natural love. He was head over heels and he wasn’t ashamed of that. Thomas lightly kissed his head, his lips barely grazing over Alex’s coffee skin.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” He murmured, voice muffled by Alex’s messy black hair.  _

Alexander splashed water over his face in an attempt to bring himself back to reality. He was with John and John was a good man who loved him. Yes, John had his flaws but didn’t every couple? He couldn’t help the natural tug in his chest that wanted him to go back out there and reconnect with his soulmate. It was a natural urge but an urge that couldn’t have been satisfied. Alex thought back to the numerous times the relationship simply was not a good one in an attempt to justify his decisions to himself. He felt shaky. He felt fuzzy. Like everything wasn’t good anymore. 

_ Thomas and Alexander stared at each other for a long time. Although Alex was good at reading his soulmate, Thomas’s eyes let nothing show. As for Alex, his emotions were messy. This was serious. Probably one of the most serious conversations they’d ever had with each other. He began to speak, saying the hardest words he thought he’d never say.  _

_ “This isn’t working out.” He began. He saw pain flash over Thomas’s eyes but continued anyways. “Thomas, I can’t do this anymore. I love you but I can’t…”  _

_ Thomas nodded, understanding. His chest hurt. His heart hurt. His head hurt. Everything hurt. A dull ache he was convinced would never go away. This was the moment he lost the one person supposedly made for him. He loved Alexander. So much. He wanted to stay with the other man but with never ending arguments, it was just too difficult. Everything was just too difficult.  _

_ Alex leaned over, pressing a final kiss to Thomas’s lips. He knew he was making it worse for both of them but he couldn’t help it. He told him this he was doing this for the good of them both but how come it felt so bad? He didn’t want to leave Thomas. That was the last thing he wanted to do but reassuring words rushed through his mind. This was good. This was bad. This was so bad. He felt his throat tensing up as he quickly stood up and turned, walking away from the man he was destined to love with all of his heart.  _

_ “I love you…” He heard Thomas mumble for the last time.  _

Leaving Thomas was good. Why did he have to walk back into to Alex’s life? He had gotten over Thomas and seeing him again brought back so many memories that it was hard to keep in touch with the real world anymore. He needed to get back out there before someone worried but he wanted desperately to keep hiding. 

No matter what happened, this was going to be messy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alex you poor smol bean what are we doing to you
> 
> hey everyone !! here we are with another update !! luke and i are having a blast writing this, and we were blown away by all the support we've already gotten so far on this story. we're so glad you guys are enjoying this, and we hope you'll enjoy our future chapters as well !! <3


	3. It's you.

Alex didn’t know how long he stayed in the bathroom, leaning over the sink and trying to get the courage to leave his hiding place. He felt far from ready to face his workplace now, let alone Thomas. Fear rattled his entire body, rendering him immobile as he clutched desperately to the sink for some kind of hold. While he was able to keep himself upright, he still felt as if his entire mental state was caving in on him.

Realizing how worked up he was getting over this, he shook his head in annoyance at his cowardice, but he didn't know yet how he would face the man whose name had been stenciled in permanent ink onto his wrist since the day he was born. Thomas, although he seemed slightly stunned at seeing Alex for the first time in a while, had appeared perfectly fine. It almost bothered Alex how calm Thomas had been able to act. Bitter tears stung his eyes as he thought about Thomas already being over his encounter with him, and being capable of going about his day like nothing happened. Alexander wasn't sure if that was true, but he could remember how easily Thomas was able to take things in stride, and it wouldn't surprise him if he forgot the whole thing.

For some reason, that hurt more than anything else. The fact that Thomas might not care about him anymore. The fact that Thomas might not have ever loved him. He felt a sharp pain rush through his chest as his anxious thoughts quickened to an almost dizzying pace. This was a shitty feeling. He let out a bitter laugh as he went to furiously wipe at his eyes. He shouldn’t be crying over someone who probably didn’t care about him. His head hurt. Everything ached a little bit. And then, as if the universe was determined to make his day worse, he heard the bathroom door swing open, an obnoxious squeaking echoing in the small room. His shoulders tensed and he didn’t turn around, hoping the person would go away and not see him cry. 

“Mon ami,” came a gentle voice, “are you alright?” 

Alex’s breath hitched as he looked over his shoulder slightly, hoping that the tears weren’t evident on his features. “I’m fine.” Fuck. His voice cracked. He didn’t sound alright but that was okay -- he wasn’t alright. 

“You are not fine,” Laf responded softly, his hand coming to press against Alex’s shoulder, “What is wrong?” 

Alexander unconsciously pressed back into the gentle touch. The gentle touch he loved and craved. The kind one where he felt safe and cared for. “He’s here again.”

It didn’t need to be explained to Lafayette who ‘he’ was. Laf knew damn well exactly what Alex was talking about and already had a growing smile on his face. Alex narrowed his eyes, hoping to push away any thoughts of he and Thomas getting back together from Laf’s mind. Almost like a mother scolding her over-enthusiastic child.

“I know,” Lafayette responded needlessly. “Why are you so upset? You will talk to him, yes?” He caught Alex’s glare, but his smile didn't waver.

Wiping his eyes carefully as to not smear the makeup on his face, Alexander muttered angrily, “You know damn well I can't do that.” They both knew that even if Alex wanted to talk to Thomas, Adams wouldn't allow it. Hell, if Adams knew he was talking to Lafayette, there’d be consequences for him. He had already taken enough risks at his workplace by speaking with his friends, he couldn’t possibly take the leap to talk to Thomas. Not that he wanted to, anyways. Alex wasn’t sure he could willingly approach Thomas after the falling out they had.

Lafayette hummed quietly in response to Alex’s words. “Ah, yes,” he said, a subtle hint of anger in his tone. “I know perfectly well what’s holding you back. Speaking of the devil’s incarnate, what did he do to you last night? And don't make excuses, mon ami, I can see that you are hiding something.” Alex felt Laf’s hand trail up to his cheek, and he automatically jerked back as his fingers traced over his concealer. Wincing, he knew that his reaction gave Lafayette all the information he needed.

“Yes, yes,” Laf continued, taking a step backwards and grabbing a paper towel to wipe off the makeup that had gotten on his hands. “I figured as much. You will speak to Thomas, understand?”

Alexander felt a small flare light up in his chest, immediately growing defensive. It was something he always resorted to when he knew he was trapped. “You’re only saying that because Thomas is your friend,” he snapped, shadowing his face so Laf couldn’t see his cheek in case any marks were clearly visible. He knew his words weren't fair, but he didn't want Laf to convince him to talk to Thomas.

Laf chuckled slightly, patting Alex’s shoulder gently. “You are correct in saying that he is my friend,” he said, “but you forget that you are my friend as well. I just want you both to be happy, and with John Adams in the way, that will never be possible. You know this, don’t you?”

Stubbornly, Alexander shook his head and muttered nonsense words to himself. He didn't want to admit Laf was right, that he had made a huge mistake leaving Thomas and then choosing a guy who would never treat him well. He could still feel the punches thrown at him, and through his agony he clenched his fists, beginning a mantra in his head that no, no, I deserve it, no--

Lafayette sighed at his reaction, and it wasn't until then that Alex realized he may have been speaking that part out loud as well. “Alex,” Laf began in a dark, serious tone, “you're in danger, staying with Adams. He will only get worse. You should take the opportunity given to you now and make things right with Thomas before Adams does something drastic.”

Alex didn't respond. He didn’t know what to say to him.

Laf seemed to understand, and thankfully, he didn't force Alex to speak. Instead, he gave him a hug and whispered to him, “I think Thomas will be glad to talk to you after all these years. Give it a try, yes?” Without waiting for a response, Lafayette took a step back and then, with a lingering smile, he turned around and walked to the door. Regret was already setting in, and Alex almost wanted to turn around and ask Lafayette for more reassurance, that Thomas really would like to talk to him. He didn’t know why he wanted to hear him confirm it again, he shouldn't have even been thinking of speaking to him in the first place. There just seemed to be some satisfaction that Alex hadn't been the only one suffering through their breakup. 

Alex heard Laf pull the door open before he could speak up, but then also heard the sound of a person suddenly stumbling forward. The noise startled him, and he whirled around to see what had caused the commotion. The sight in front of him sent a spark of shock up his spine, and the electricity buzzing through his blood kept him completely grounded so he couldn't move as he stared at the furiously blushing man that was trying to sputter excuses. Oh, god, it’s him again. 

Lafayette wore a grin that reminded Alex of a cat as he looked between both him and Thomas. “I see you two have much to catch up on,” he said, his voice positively delighted. “I will speak to you both later. Goodbye!” He stepped out of the door, slamming it behind him as he practically skipped away.

A silence enveloped between the two, tense and full of unspoken words. Alex forced himself to fight the urge to grab at the wrist that he knows is forever stained with Thomas’s name, instead he goes for twisting his hands behind his back. Almost every memory of the moments he had with Thomas fluttered across his mind, and he felt tears begin to burn his eyes again. Great, he thought angrily as he tried to will himself to calm down, my first time speaking to Thomas after all of these years and I’m gonna have a fucking breakdown in front of him. Just fucking great.

Once the silence was too overwhelming, Thomas took a deep breath and stepped toward Alex. “You never responded to my messages,” he said. Alex almost wanted to laugh, knowing that it was just like Thomas to get right into what they were both thinking instead of easing into it.

It was his turn to respond. Clearing his throat, Alex forced himself to muster the energy and courage to speak. He didn’t feel like he had the willpower to deal with this, but Thomas was blocking the only exit he could see, and he knew this was inevitable. Taking a deep breath, he finally said, “I had nothing to say to you.” He winced at his voice, knowing it sounded weak and pathetic. He wouldn't be able to convince Thomas he was fine and that he should leave him alone if he were on the verge of tears.

Thomas recoiled slightly at his tone, a flash of some emotion crossing his eyes. Alex identified it almost immediately, and the genuine hurt in his expression made Alex feel bad, but he refused to give in. He couldn't give Thomas any power over him, he just couldn't. Thomas appeared to be searching his mind for the perfect words to say in response, but all he could come up with was a small: “I missed you.” 

Alexander scoffed, and whipped around to look at Thomas properly. “Missed me?” He spat, he could feel the pent anger from years ago rise in his veins once more, “What was there to miss? Arguing? You?” He said the last word like it was venom on his tongue. Rage spotted around his eyes, and his head was spinning. He knew he was giving Thomas power by showing such strong emotion, but he couldn't stop himself now that he had shown it. Quickly, the power in his emotions became dizzying, and he fell against the wall, leaning on it so he wouldn’t fall over.

Thomas took his bottom lip between his teeth. Alexander saw the anxiety rolling off of him in waves. He had rendered his soulmate speechless and for some reason, he got no satisfaction from that like he thought he would. “I’m sorry. I know I probably didn’t give you much to miss.” Now it was Thomas’s turn to sound small, maybe even a little bit insecure. 

The anger resided almost as quick as it came when Alexander heard how much this was affecting Thomas, too. He shook his head, feeling guilt melt into his mind. “No, no, I’m sorry.” He said, giving up the tough act as he looked down at his shoes awkwardly. Being around Thomas was painful to say the least and every single time the other man spoke, he felt an urge to just run over and hug him. Realizing what he was thinking, he almost smacked his head back against the wall. No! Stop that, you have John, he scolded himself once more. Leave it to Thomas to come back into his life and already grab an easy hold onto his emotions. Trying to force aside his troubling thoughts, he rubbed the back of his neck and said: “Why are you here?”

“I came back from France a week ago.” Thomas muttered quietly, “I’ve just been on an extended business trip. I’ve worked here a while.”

“Oh.” Alexander whispered quietly, feeling another wave of disorientation washing over him. He looked up at Thomas properly and realised just how beautiful the other man was. He was unbelievably attractive and everything in Alex’s body was telling him to run over to Thomas and kiss him, hold him, be cared for, anything. 

As for Thomas, he could tell by how Alexander was practically curling into himself that the other man was slowly beginning to feel more and more self conscious. He stepped forward experimentally, and not seeing Alex give any negative response gave him the go ahead to place his hand gently on Alex’s shoulder. The other man flinched at the touch but quickly recovered, eyes searching for Thomas’s inquisitively. Alex knew this was wrong but he couldn’t find the willpower to actually push the other away. His shoulder was tingling and his lips were tugging up into a small smile. The first real smile he’d had in awhile. The tension between them was thick and Thomas had somehow gotten nearer to Alex. He could feel the Virginian’s hot breath on his face, a small shiver running through his body as his heart began to pound harder and harder. A voice screamed at him to get away before he made his situation worse, but he didn't move. He realized then that he didn’t even want to move.

And then, Thomas leaned down, Alexander meeting him halfway and their lips touched. It wasn’t a rough, hard kiss like Alex was used to getting with John but a gentle, soft, loving kiss. Their lips moved together slowly, Alex moving to put his arms around Thomas’s neck. His mind started to shut off from all logical sense, the part of him that told him this was wrong, so wrong, but he didn’t care anymore. He felt like he was alive again, that he could finally be with someone who genuinely cared for him…

And then, Thomas whispered a soft, “Alexander,” and he thought again of the situation he was about to throw himself into. However, for some reason, that didn’t stop him. Just enough logic remained in his brain that reminded him that he could push Thomas away now if he wanted to, he still had that in his power, but… Alex wondered again what it was like to truly felt like someone cared about him. Adams could never give him that, but Thomas…

He made a decision in that moment, knowing that nobody could hear about this. Not even Lafayette, even though the Frenchman would be grinning from ear-to-ear if he saw them together again. He would only give Lafayette more ammunition in their talks about John, and thinking about that was a whole other issue. If word got out to John what he was doing…

“I missed this,” Thomas gasped quietly, interrupting Alexander’s racing thoughts as he pressed up against him and backed him up against the wall. His hands lowered down to his hips, holding him still as he tried to grind against him. Thomas laughed as Alex squirmed underneath him, and he lowered his mouth to bite gently at Alex’s neck. A soft groan traveled involuntarily up his throat at the satisfying pressure. Then, remembering what would happen if he bore a dark mark on his neck tonight, his eyes flew open. He pushed Thomas away before he could continue his ministrations, and at their sudden lack of contact, he already regretted it. He knew his future-self would probably thank him later for getting this out now.

He met Thomas’s confused eyes, and rushed to beg while he was still in his right mind, “Please, no marks.” He needed Thomas, but he couldn’t take the risk of John seeing any marks that he didn’t make himself on him. John already assumed he was cheating at the workplace, he had no idea what would happen if he gave him a reason

Thankfully, Thomas didn’t find his request odd, and he tangled a hand in Alex’s hair and pulled him back into a kiss. Alex sighed into his gentle touch, his limbs tingling and his body feeling as if it were floating around space. Thomas appeared to remember exactly how to tear down Alex’s walls, and shit, Alex couldn’t find it in himself to care at this point. His mind began to spin again, We can’t do this here, someone could walk in, we need to go, and he pulled away from Thomas, eyes big and worried. Thomas frowned, using his thumb to smooth the crease between his brows. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Thomas murmured, his hand cupping the side of Alexander’s cheek. Alex preened at the petname and leaned into Thomas’s touch making the other man grin triumphantly. “Not here. I can’t. Please just anywhere but here.” Alex whispered, and Thomas could hear the fear laced in his tone. 

Thomas quickly nodded and gave Alexander a final kiss on the lips. “Please, lead the way.” He said, straightening up and giving a small, understanding smile to Alex. Alex nodded and began to walk out of the bathroom, not giving Thomas a second glance as to not start any rumors that might roll back to John. That would be the worst thing that could possibly happen. 

They walked, Thomas not far behind him but not close enough to cause any suspicion. Thomas understood and was respectful of Alex’s wishes. He had something eating at the back of his mind telling him that he didn’t want to lose Alex again. He couldn’t lose Alex again. He didn’t know if he could take another heartbreak. What would that even feel like? It hurt like hell the first time and if it were to happen a second time, especially after the kiss, he didn’t know if he was capable of surviving it. Could he live in a world where the one person who was made for him, didn’t want to be with him? Was that a reality worth living? 

Alex made sure as they walked that they wouldn’t run into anyone. He slunk around the hallways that he knew wouldn’t hold anyone who would care to be suspicious of him, looking for a back door. Once he found what he was looking for, Alex quickly raced out and waited for Thomas, unable to believe this was happening. He hadn’t been looking for hope when he woke up this morning, and he remembered once more that this would have to only be a one time thing.

He cut off his thoughts there as soon as he felt Thomas grip his hand, not wanting to think about the future now. Thomas leaned down again, lightly kissing Alex’s neck for a moment as he trailed up to his ear, whispering quietly, “Come on.” He pulled Alexander after him to the parking lot, reaching his car within a few minutes with both excitedly hopping into their seats. Settling into the comfortable leather, Alex felt a disbelieving smile tug at his lips. This is really about to happen.

Thomas watched his expression for any uneasiness, and when he found none, he pulled Alex in for another kiss before he started the car. The rumbling of the engine made Alex relax further in his seat, and he tapped a quiet rhythm on his knee while Thomas turned out of the parking lot. 

Alex couldn’t help feeling guilty as he watched his workplace get smaller in the rearview mirror. Leaving the office so early without getting much work done left an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, but he reassured himself that he had already gotten weeks worth of work done. Besides, casting a small glance at Thomas out of the corner of his eye, he couldn’t make himself regret his decision.

The drive was fairly silent, and the anticipation crawling above their heads got worse as every minute passed. Alex almost started shaking, but finally after about another five minutes, the car turned into a different parking lot and Thomas pulled it to a stop. Unbuckling his seatbelt and scrambling out of the car, Alex met Thomas outside and pulled him into another quick kiss. Thomas chuckled in amusement, indulging him for a second before pulling away and taking him in the direction of a numbered door. It took Thomas a few seconds to get the key in the lock, mostly because Alex couldn’t keep his hands off of him, but he finally got it open after the third try.

As soon as they were in Thomas’s apartment, Alexander had his back shoved against the wall, the door knob digging uncomfortably into his spine but he didn’t have time to think about that when Thomas’s lips were upon his. Thomas was rough this time, more passionate, and that drew a small moan from Alexander. The taller man gripped him tighter, his hands quickly attaching to Alex’s hips. Alex bucked into the other man vacantly as Thomas quickly pushed his hips back. He felt himself growing in his boxers as he was nipped at and nibbled lightly on. 

There as a dull banging at Alex’s head telling him that everything he was doing then was wrong and that he should stop before it got too far but although it was a sickly reminder, he couldn’t help but feel that everything was right. He also didn’t have the mental strength to tell Thomas to go away, especially when he was tugging on Alex’s hair like that. He couldn’t push Thomas away, not again, could he?

“Bedroom?” Thomas muttered, his voice deep and husky, as if he were using every bit of restraint he had in him to not just take Alex right there. Alex nodded quickly, just as desperate as Thomas was. 

They practically sprinted into Thomas’s bedroom. Alexander was quickly pushed onto the bed, Thomas climbing on top of him and dipping down and pressing gentle butterfly kisses onto his collar and neck, slowly moving to unbutton his shirt. Alex was panting, moaning and rutting up into Thomas’s pants as to try and find any type of friction possible. None of it was satisfying enough as he gasped into Thomas’s shoulder. Thomas let loose a small, “Good god,” as he could practically sense the neediness radiating off of Alexander.

“Thomas,” Alex begged softly as Thomas lifted his shirt above his head, revealing a toned chest underneath it. He was starting to fidget as the anticipation grew, and it was clear that Thomas could see that as the man dipped down to catch Alex’s mouth in another rough kiss. He mumbled something about being patient as he dragged his hands down Alex’s sides.

A jolt of pain shot up his spine, and he arched up into the touch with a choked noise. He tried to cover it up with a pleading noise, and while Thomas stopped in concern for a moment, he brushed it off. If Alexander was in pain, Thomas was sure he could trust the smaller man to tell him if he needed to pause. Still, he made sure to watch Alex closer that time, digging his nails in lighter than before and pressing a gentle kiss against his collarbone. Alex let out a small sigh, the feathery kiss not hurting too much against his bruise as he pressed his nose into Thomas’s neck. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Thomas whispered softly, his breath tickling Alex’s skin. The smaller man hummed in disagreement but nuzzled further into Thomas as his light kisses turned to rougher more lust fueled ones. “And, right now, you’re all mine.” 

Alexander felt a pang in his chest. He wasn’t all Thomas’s. No matter how much he wanted to be, he could never be completely Thomas’s, at least, not as long as John was still alive and breathing down his neck almost every moment of the day. If it wasn’t physical, John was tormenting his mind. Everything happening at this moment felt so right but there was still something eating at the back of his mind, perhaps John’s long imbedded influence. It was hard to not think of it. He tried to shake off thoughts of his boyfriend as he gave into the feeling of Thomas’s lips gently sucking at bits of his body. 

His eyes fluttered shut for a moment as Thomas tugged down his pants, his boxers going along with them. He bucked up slightly and unintentionally when he felt Thomas’s hand graze his already leaking length. The other man smirked and did so again, using his index finger to drag against Alex drawing a long and loud whine from him. “Please,” Alex panted out, feeling tears well up, desperation taking over his senses. 

Thomas smirked and pulled away from Alex completely, causing the smaller man to frown, concern and nervousness covering his face. Thomas quickly understood and shook his head, “No, no, I’m not leaving, just getting protection.” He comforted, reaching into the nightstand and taking out a box of condoms along with a small bottle of lube. Alex looked at the items inquisitively and sat up slowly as Thomas handed him the condoms. “Take care of me,” Thomas told Alex, almost like a command.

However, Alexander complied enthusiastically as he took the condom out of the packet, making an entire show of just rolling it onto to Thomas. He pressed it down, torturously slowly. When it was finally on, he leaned forward and gave the tip a hesitantly little kiss which drew a small hum and gasp from Thomas as he stroked himself a few times. Alexander just looked so amazing kneeling in front of him, his cock sticking out for the world to see, his hair a mess, his brown eyes more vivid than ever and those lips, stuck out in a little needy pout. Thomas had to restrain himself from shoving Alexander down and just fucking him into the bed relentlessly. He took a deep shaky breath and pushed Alex’s chest so the other was lying down once more. 

Thomas grabbed some lube and slicked his fingers and cock up with it before taking Alex’s leg and placing it on his shoulder so he had better access to the other man’s entrance. Thomas looked at Alexander one last time as if to ask for final permission before getting a little nod which told him it was alright to proceed. He stuck one finger inside Alex slowly, allowing the other to get used to the feeling knowing that it had probably been a long time since he last had sex. He pumped it in and out slowly before adding a second finger, eyeing Alex for any signs of discomfort and once he received none, he allowed himself to begin scissoring his fingers, Alex letting out small pants and moans as he did so. 

“Thomas,” Alex begged again, “hurry up, please.”

Thomas smirked at his reaction, leaning down to press a small kiss against his stomach. “Be patient, Alex,” he whispered. “You’ve waited all this time for me, you can wait a little longer.”

Alex didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t wait, not like Thomas had, but he can’t even speak when Thomas finally adds one more finger. The burn is almost painful, but with Thomas’s care, he finds it hard to notice. He reached up and looped his arms around Thomas’s neck to try and gain a new sense of closeness to the other. The whole situation was so loving and caring that Alexander almost forgot what it was like to be scared of your partner. He slowly grew more and more impatient as Thomas pumped in and out of him but then suddenly, he was empty against and that was such a bad feeling for some reason. He let out a small whimper which drew a worried glance from Thomas. 

He had tears in his eyes as his neediness grew and grew, he was so ready and so desperate for Thomas to get inside of him that it was hurting now. Thomas hushed him quickly and slicked himself with lube before pressing just the tip to his entrance. Alex shimmied his hips slightly in an attempt to take a little more but immediately regretted it, the pain shooting through his body as he quickly grasped his bottom lip between his teeth. Thomas looked down, worry written all over his face as a small tear dripped down Alexander’s cheek. 

“Are you okay?” He asked. Alexander almost smiled, he hadn’t felt this worried about in so long and feeling cared about once more was so sweet. He nodded his head and took in a few deep breaths before saying, “Go ahead.”

Thomas didn’t need to be told twice. Grasping onto Alex’s hips, he pushed in slowly, making sure to watch Alex’s face as he bottomed out. Alex took a sharp breath at the feeling, but it wasn’t so uncomfortable anymore. He started to push down onto him, begging with his eyes for more.

Then, Thomas lifted a hand and brought it to Alex’s wrists that were still loosely looped around his neck. Gently pulling them apart, he guided them above Alex’s head, his fingers tracing around his name. Alex groaned when Thomas suddenly drove deeper into him.

“It was torture,” Thomas gasped, his hand tightening slightly around his wrist as his movements began to grow faster, “being away from you for so long. But you’re mine.” He delivered the final statement with a harsh thrust, and Alex was only able to cry out from the feeling. It’s not from pain, though, instead it’s a spike of pleasure that shot up his spine. Mine. The possessiveness in that one word didn’t make him as uneasy as it would have coming from Adams, rather it left a pleasant buzz in his mind as Thomas’s hips clashed against him with every movement.

He wished he had enough mental strength left to try and search out Thomas’s wrist for his own name. The bold, swirling letters elegantly inked into his skin would have been enough to finish him right then. Being reunited with his soulmate, someone who truly cared about him, someone who had his name written across his wrist--

“Fuck, Alexander,” Thomas groaned, his head falling against Alex’s shoulder as his thrusts grew more frantic. Alex whimpered under him as his pace became faster, enjoying himself much more than he should have. He began spilling nonsense words, incoherent phrases that pleaded for more, for him to go faster, harder--

It was over faster than he would have liked it to. Alex felt himself began to drown in a hazy white feeling, his mind completely going blank for a few seconds. He felt Thomas’s teeth snag into his skin as he bit down, thrusting a few last times before following Alex over the edge. Alex couldn’t even be bothered to care about the fact that he had possibly left a mark as the bliss of his orgasm hung above his head, gently clouding his thoughts.

“Alex,” Thomas sighed again, holding himself above the smaller man to not crush him. Alex felt his eyes on him, scanning over his body, and suddenly felt extremely self-conscious. He grabbed for Thomas again, tangling a hand in the endless coils of hair to drag him into another kiss. He didn’t want Thomas to see his body, and he hoped that he had distracted him before he could get too suspicious by the dark marks littering his skin. He made sure to pull away for a second to offer a small smile, then dived back in for another one. For Thomas, he could pretend that everything was okay but it wasn’t easy to hide his feelings from his soulmate. 

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked gently, Alexander could see the unwavering concern clouding his eyes. Alex nodded lightly and moved to cuddle further into Thomas. “Yes, I’m okay.” Alex murmured back. Thomas looked unconvinced but accepted the answer as he wrapped his strong arms tightly around the other man.

They stayed like that for another few minutes, Thomas stroking Alex’s cheek as he held onto him. Alex, now noticing the makeup beginning to smear, grabbed Thomas’s hand and pulled it away. Thomas only made a muffled noise of confusion, but he didn’t protest. They pulled apart for another breath, and meeting Thomas’s eyes, Alex felt an electric buzz of guilt when he saw the joy and euphoria in his soulmate’s eyes.

It was going to hurt more than last time, breaking his soulmate’s heart again. He forced another smile on his face as they shared another deep kiss, thinking about how he was only making this worse for the both of them. Still, as Alex opened his mouth and felt Thomas’s tongue stroke lightly against his own, he didn’t make himself pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh! we really hope you enjoy this new chapter! its hamilfayette writing btw haha anyways, i hope yall are having a great day and i hope this chapter is any good. things are getting dramatic~ anyways, read safe :P
> 
> please comment telling us how we did !!


	4. Chapter 4

The sunlight filtered brightly through the window, perfect and lovely across the bed sheets. A blanket was lying haphazardly over Alexander’s body, keeping him warm and comfortable. Another figure was sleeping peacefully next to him, and turning over to face him, Alex felt a small smile come over him as he looked at Thomas. Everything was calm around them, and Alex felt like this was the happiest he’s been for a long time.  _ Just like old times _ .

If Alex tried hard enough, he could almost pretended that everything was fine. He could pretend that he hadn’t just ditched work for his soulmate, who he had just cheated on his current boyfriend with.

With that single thought, guilt came crashing down inside of him like pile of stones, mixed with a conflicting storm of fear. Now that he was in a more rational state of mind, he could truly let the events that happened sink into him. _ I just had sex with Thomas,  _ he thought in horror _. I just… Oh, god, I cheated on John _ . He already got enough shit from John when he simply looked in another man’s direction, fuck, he would absolutely kill him for this.

He shot upwards without even realizing it, the blankets and sheets cascading around him. Thomas groaned, now in a state between consciousness and sleep from Alex’s frantic movements. He mumbled something, his hand reaching for the space that had previously been inhabited by Alex. Not finding anything, he fidgeted in dissatisfaction, his eyes opening slowly. Alex would have normally found the sight endearing, but he was too shaken up with all the possibilities that could happen if John found out. He was trembling slightly, running his hands obsessively through his hair.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck! What time is it?  _ His eyes reached the alarm clock sitting neatly on Thomas’s nightstand. 6:00pm.  _ FUCK.  _

He jumped out of bed, waking up his soulmate even more and looked around frantically for his clothes. “Shit, Alex,” Thomas sighed from the bed, sitting up as well, “what's wrong?”

Alex whipped his head around to face him, unable to control the wild fear in his expression. “I need you to drive me home,” he whispered. He was shaking as he pulled on his shirt and pants, he could feel it, but he couldn’t stop. He was so sure that John was going to somehow  _ know _ what happened, even though he would never tell anyone about what happened.

Thomas, sensing this fear, kicked his feet over the side of the bed and stood up to meet Alex halfway. “Hey, hey,” he said gently, reaching out to pet Alex’s hair. “It’s okay, calm down. I’ll take you home.” Alex could hear the disappointment in his voice, but he had no time to explain what was so urgent. Thankfully, Thomas seemed to respect his decision for wanting privacy, as he dressed in silence while Alex practically bounced impatiently. The longer he was gone, the harsher the punishment would be. He just barely stopped a fearful whimper that tried to escape, mind racing with what John would do to him if --no, knowing him, it would be  _ when _ \-- he found out.

“Come on, then,” Thomas said quietly. He sounded like he hoped maybe Alex would change his mind, but Alex couldn't try to make up some bullshit excuse. His mind had suddenly become devoid of all rationality, the only thing coming to fill in the emptiness being dread for the future.

Thomas went to grab Alexander’s hand as he led them to the front door, but Alex put his hands in his pockets and pretended not to notice. The look of hurt on Thomas’s face struck a pang in Alex’s heart, and all he wished to do in that moment was tell him it was all okay and go back to bed with him. He knew he couldn't ignore the reality of what was to come, though, so he put on a stony face and forced a wall of ice to protect his heart. He had to hurt Thomas once, and while it was going to hurt even more sending him away a second time, he had to do it for his safety. If Adams decided to go after Thomas for what happened… Alex wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt.

They walked in silence to the car, all of the passion from earlier completely gone. Alex pulled his seatbelt over himself, but he put his hands back in his pockets once the car was started. He didn't look at Thomas, only muttering an address as he stared out of the window. He could practically feel the other man’s eyes on him, staring him down in concern, but Alex paid him no attention. It wouldn't do either of them any good if he worried Thomas. He rested his chin on his hand as he leaned on the window. 

The car began to move when Thomas gave up. They didn’t say anything for a good while as they drove. Alex’s hand was tapping quick little patterns on his knee as anxiety flooded through his body. What would John think? What were they going to do? How was he going to survive this? Would he survive this? And then all the sudden, warmth flooded his body. Thomas’s hand had slid on top of his to cease his fidgeting. He startled slightly and turned to look at his soulmate wearily but Thomas’s gaze hadn’t left the road. For some reason, that made Alex feel happy. Thomas didn’t even have to look at him to know how he was feeling. It caused a warm sense of fuzziness to pass over him and it hurt that he couldn’t stay with his soulmate a little bit longer.

He didn’t move away. He just allowed the comforting presence to fill his senses. He was trying to enjoy it while it still lasted. What little was left of happiness he had, Thomas brought out of him and that both hurt and filled him with joy at the same time. It was strange. His soulmate was bringing back so many old feelings and creating new unfamiliar ones but he also couldn’t find the strength to think that that was such a bad thing. 

Alex’s house wasn’t far away, only a kilometers away so it didn’t take long for them to arrive. He was scared that John would walk out and see him arriving in a car that wasn’t his own or that John would’ve known what had happened and would hurt him again. He couldn’t shake off the feeling that somehow, John had found out and now he was in trouble. The car slowed to a halt and he finally turned to look at Thomas, to thank him or something along those lines. 

“We’re here,” Said Thomas quietly, as if he were afraid that if he spoke too loudly, Alex would be hurt somehow. “Alexander, are you alright?” Alex would never get sick of hearing his name in that beautiful southern drawl. It made his chest ache. He brought his eyes to meet Thomas’s and gave a curt nod. It wasn’t believable in the slightest and Thomas still looked uneasy and hurt but it was the best he could do at the time. Thomas seemed to accept the answer anyways and leaned over, giving Alex’s cheek a light kiss. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Alex said, looking away from Thomas once more. He could feel the other man smiling at him and nervously tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. 

“Of course, my love.” Ouch. Now that had hurt. Alex didn’t let it show however as he flashed Thomas one last faux smile before stepping out of the vehicle. 

It took every bit of willpower to actually step out of the car and walk toward the front door. He didn’t want to leave Thomas but it made his head hurt to think of the consequences if he didn’t. Each step away from Thomas felt heavier than the last, and he felt as if he opened the door, Adams would be sitting at the couch, waiting for him with a glare that tells him just how much he knows.

Alex took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for whatever could be waiting behind the door. He wasn't completely sure how Adams would react to him being late, but he knew already that it wouldn't be good.

_ I deserve whatever he does _ , Alex thought angrily at himself, grabbing the doorknob suddenly and opening the door before he can think twice against it.  _ I cheated on him, after all _ . The light of the house washed over him, and Alex felt immediately trapped. He tried to force on his best nonchalant expression, hoping foolishly that maybe he could trick Adams into thinking nothing bad was wrong.

Then, he noticed Adams sitting on the couch, watching him with narrowed eyes. The underlying rage in his eyes made Alex startle. He forced a laugh, even though it was shaky and unconvincing of its authenticity. “Jesus, John, you scared the hell out of me--” He cut himself off when John suddenly stood, his figure already looming threateningly from the other side of the room. 

“You’ve been gone for quite some time, Alexander,” Adams said, his voice low and intimidating. He stalked up to Alex, and on instinct, Alex began backing up until his back hit the wall. He was tempted to run, to find Thomas and seek shelter in his arms, but Adams was reaching out before he could begin to even consider the thought. He lightly brushed his hand over Alex’s neck, muttering, “A lot longer than you normally are. Did you forget what you’re supposed to do if you’re going to be home late?”

Alex gulped as John continued to brush his hand over his neck. He wasn’t gripping him enough to choke him, but he was worried that if he said the wrong thing, he would press down on his throat and cut off his air. He shook his head, already sputtering excuses out of fear, “I’m sorry, John, my phone died, I couldn’t--”

Wrong thing. He felt the pressure build up as Adams grabbed a hold on his throat, and he snapped, “You’re a disgusting liar, Alexander.” He let up on his hold, and he said in an oddly cheerful voice, “I got really worried when you didn’t call, so I called someone I know at your office. Says he saw you… leave, with another person.”

The fear was beginning to choke him more than Adams actually was, and he knew his mistake was not responding immediately. His crumbling expression, his nervous posture, his shaking… It gave everything away. Alex got a moment in of anger at himself for being so damn stupid before the hand slapped over his throat again, holding him in place. He managed a small yelp, but Adams cut that off with his other hand over his mouth. Alex felt a moment of icy horror that John would kill him, so soon after getting to see Thomas…

“You listen here, you filthy little bitch,” Adams said with a disgusted scowl. “You’re lucky I’ll let you stay here after your little stunt. You’re gonna go stay in your room, or  _ else _ . Then, you’ll tell me all about what happened, and if you lie…” He let the threat hang above his head, and Alex didn’t need to hear any more. He knew what would happen.

But he couldn’t tell Adams what happened between him and Thomas. If he found out his soulmate was back, there were too many possible things that Adams would do to him and  Thomas, and none of them would be good. He could at least try to stretch the truth, and not give any names. _ I can do this _ , he tried to assure himself on the way to his room. He sat down on their shared bed, searching his mind for ways to twist the truth in his favor, however, John didn’t take as long as he was expecting.

The man walked in, looking strangely monster like. It was almost as if it were a stereotypical villain/hero confrontation. Alexander almost immediately recoiled, pressing himself as far away from John as physically possible. This was terrifying. It felt as though his stomach had creeped up into his throat, and he began to feel sick from fear.

“So tell me, Alexander,” John said, raising his wrist slowly and striking his face suddenly. “Were they good? Hmm?”

Alex gritted his teeth against the pain and forced a deep breath. He knew he could handle this, he deserved it, didn’t he? He shook his head rapidly in answer, anticipating another blow that came down sooner than he expected. The burn on his flesh that remained as soon as it hit seared into him, adding to the building pain as Adams continued to speak.

“They’ll never love you,” he spat, his hand suddenly clenching into a fist and striking upwards into Alex’s chest. “Not like me.  _ Nobody _ will love you like I do, don’t you get it?  _ Stop fucking crying! _ ” With that, he punched again into Alex’s chest, making him heave and almost lose control of his stomach. Alex hadn’t noticed, but now that he paid attention, he could feel the slightest stain of tears as he was beaten. He tried to make himself stop, knowing his crying would only piss Adams off more, but he seemed to only make it worse the more he thought about it. John threw a particularly harsh slap against his cheek, and Alex almost collapsed under the pressure of it. Adams snapped something again, but Alexander wasn’t paying attention anymore. The world felt hazy as he took what Adams was doing, not wanting to make it worse for himself by trying to respond. There was nothing he could do except accept what was happening. 

He drew up his knees to his chest as he panted out apology after apology, Adams never relenting in his harsh words and toxic touch. Alex’s head felt like it was going to fast and he couldn’t seem to disconnect himself from the world anymore. Everything felt so vivid, present. John’s anger was rolling off of him and it felt as though it was scorching Alex’s skin more than the punches were. He had fucked up this time. He didn’t deserve a man as wonderful as John. John had every right to be mad at him. The tears ran down his face faster and faster and it felt as though he would create an ocean if it continued.

“You disgusting little whore,” John snapped. “I told you to  _ stop _ !” With that, the back of his hand slammed into his cheek and threw him down. The tears wouldn’t obey his words, though, and John’s harsh beatings only grew worse as his face grew wetter. Unable to tune out the world around him this time, all he could do was try to shield himself from every unyielding hit. The attempts to protect himself were in vain, though, as they always were whenever Adams was mad at him. All he did was sob as the pain continued to get worse, knowing that his face would look even worse than it did this morning when he woke up.

Then, as quickly as he started, Adams stopped. Alex was still breathing heavily, crying out his apologies. Adams curled his lip in disgust, snapping at him, “Just shut  _ up _ , Alexander, and get cleaned up.” He turned away as Alex prepared to stand up, growling one last thing, “Don’t you  _ ever _ forget this moment.” With that, he left the room, and Alex could hear the television in the living room turn on a few seconds later.

Standing up on shaky legs, Alexander forced himself to walk forward and into the hallway. He walked to the bathroom, listening to John’s voice as he yelled something at the television. Normally, Alex would have laughed, thinking it was funny to hear him get so worked up. Now, though, he scurried quickly to the bathroom and shut the door as soon as soon as he stepped inside.

He didn’t look at himself in the mirror yet, avoiding himself as he splashed water on his face. He could see small droplets of blood cascade down the drain with the water, and he reached for a towel to dry his face. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, trying to gather the courage to look at himself. His fists were clenched and shaking, but he knew he’d have to see himself sooner or later if he wanted to cover up his wounds. Sighing and standing up, he tried to tell himself that he had seen worse when he first tried to leave Adams. He had his eyes closed, but when he faced the mirror, he opened them and let out a small whimper.

His eyes were completely swollen, and seeing how red and purple they were, he just realized how much they ached. His face was puffy and red from the abuse and crying, and a small, light streak of blood was smeared under his nose. Alex grabbed at the towel again and moved to clean it off, and when he saw the blood stain on the towel, he burst into fresh tears and dropped the material.  _ John’s gonna see that _ , he thought,  _ he’s gonna see it and he’s gonna be mad at me _ .

He hoped, as he fell to the ground on his knees and sobbed into his hands, that John couldn’t hear him. If he heard him crying, he’d only get mad at him for being upset when it was already over. Alex knew John was done for now, but he would never let this go. He’d hold this above Alex’s head for the rest of his life. With a broken whimper, Alex lied down on the bathroom's cold tile and cried. He cried until his eyes burned and his stomach hurt. He just couldn't stop crying, and by himself, he didn’t try to stop.

\---

Thomas paced around his apartment worriedly. He tried to distract himself with television, his phone, and he even looked inside his fridge and cupboards a few times, but nothing was working. He kept thinking back to what happened with Alex, and what would happen the next time they saw each other. He worked with Alex, there's no way he could avoid him. Did he even want to avoid him, though?

No. He wanted to go back to Alexander and invite him to stay at his apartment, but Alex had seemed insistent on getting home. He thought the fear in his eyes was just the result of him remembering an essay he forgot to continue or something similar, but… Thomas couldn’t put his finger on it, but something seemed off about Alex’s fear. He looked genuinely frightened when he saw what time it was, and he looked even more terrified when Thomas dropped him off. He almost wanted to escort him to the door himself, but he didn’t want to push Alex’s boundaries. Not so soon after they just reunited.

Fiddling with his phone, he was tempted to call Alex to make sure he was okay, but he realized that he might’ve changed his number since the last time they were together. Besides, Alex might have gotten creeped out if he called him so soon. He scrolled through his contacts for a bit until he stopped, landing on the number of his only friend who might have information on what could be wrong with Alex.

Dialing the number, the person picked up on the third ring, saying in an upbeat tone, “Thomas!  _ Mon ami _ , it is nice to hear from you!” Lafayette didn't give him a moment to respond to his statement, instead saying suggestively, “I have heard that you left work early with another person. One small, black-haired man.” Thomas groaned in response, to which Lafayette giddily asked, “So, tell me, how did it go?”

Thomas sighed. “That’s just it,” he said, “I have no idea. Everything was going fine until afterwards. He looked at my clock, then he flipped his shit. Looked at me with this crazy-terrified expression and told me he had to go home.”

Something similar to worry flashed over Lafayette’s face. “I see.” He murmured, trying to feign ignorance. He knew exactly what had happened and wasn’t sure if he should tell Thomas or just leave it be. It was quite the internal struggle for the Frenchman.  “You shouldn’t worry too much. I’ll speak with Alexander.” He said, a sense of finality in his tone.

Thomas knew better than to debate with the other man and just let out a small sigh and nodding before realising Laf couldn’t see him. “Okay, I trust you, Gil.” He replied, scrubbing his hand over his face as the concern built up in his stomach.

They bid their goodbyes and hung up. Although Lafayette had told him not to worry, he couldn’t help himself. Something felt very wrong about this entire thing. Alexander had never acted like this before. Even if they hadn’t seen each other in a long time, Alex was not the nervous type, even when in nerve-wracking situations. Thomas shook his head and tried to push away these thoughts but something about this thought was relentless and he knew that this wasn’t any ordinary struggle. Somehow. He just knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alex we're so mean to you, we're sorry
> 
> feel free to yell at us in the comments :)


	5. Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This little thing that we have cannot last.

The morning after was one of the roughest mornings Alexander had ever had. Every movement he made sent a mind numbing shot of unbearable pain through his body. It was intolerable. Even more so than any of the other beatings yet, for some reason, he couldn’t help but know deep down that he had deserved it. No matter how much everything hurt, nothing could override the guilt he felt. He had betrayed his lover’s trust. How could he do such a thing? It was unfair on poor John, how had he made Adams feel? It would be no surprise if John showed him no trust from this moment on. He didn’t deserve his trust. No wonder John beat him this much -- he was only getting what he deserved. 

His eyes fluttered open with the sound of his alarm. He tried to move as little as possible, hyper aware of a bruise resting on his shoulder. He didn’t want to yelp and alarm John. That would be a terrible idea. John was beside him with one arm draped over his stomach, another very sensitive spot. He could feel the remnants of tears on his cheeks, the sticky crust all over his face. He felt disgusting. He was disgusting. Slowly, he maneuvered John’s arm off of him and slid out of bed, weary of waking up the other man. 

“Don’t fuck up again,” He mumbled to himself as another wave of pain rushed through his body. This was going to be a really really bad day. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with this, but it was still way too early to be forming any game plans. 

He padded over to his dresser and slipped off his shirt slowly to examine any bruises that couldn’t be hidden under a long sleeve shirt. It was sad seeing that this was something he had to get used to but it was a necessary evil if he was going to continue acting like a fucking idiot. He saw a few yellowing bruises on his shoulder and decided to not worry about those too much, however, as he was counting the new ones, he realised he’d have to spend more time than usual in front of the mirror. His arms were littered with them but he knew those could be covered with clothing. There was one to the left of his belly button, a couple around his wrist from where he was gripped too tight, one on his right cheek and several small ones littered all over his collar bone. His bottom lip was split and there was still some lingering dried blood around his nose. 

He let out a small mournful whimper before walking off into the bathroom. He splashed water over his face to wipe the grogginess, blood and tears away. It all felt so gross and even when he returned to look at himself, he couldn’t help but admit that he looked deplorable. The swelling around his eyes had gone down slightly but it would still be hard to cover up. He’d just keep his head down more than usual. He then grabbed the foundation and squirting a plentiful amount into his hand to begin applying it to his face. He rubbed gently, not wanting it to hurt more than it needed to. He managed to make the bruises around his eyes look slightly red, no longer a dark, eye catching purple. He then applied more over his cheek and collar, trying to make himself look as natural as possible.

The makeup did well to cover his face, and he felt cleaner than he did last night. He still felt awful, and he was pissed off at himself for letting down John and betraying his trust. He knew he’d just have to stay away from Thomas, and hopefully his confusing thoughts would go away. It wouldn’t be so simple, he also knew that, but it would be better to make an effort to push Thomas away. He did it once, he could do it again, couldn’t he?

Stepping out of the bathroom once he felt ready, he walked back to the bedroom and pulled on a fresh outfit, being careful to not hurt himself any further or ruin his careful makeup. He was glad to be out of yesterday’s clothes, but the lingering disgust with himself wouldn’t disappear for awhile until Thomas was out of his thoughts. Alex almost wanted to blame his soulmate for this, but he knew that it wasn’t fair to him. It was his own fault that he allowed himself to indulge in his desires and curiosity of what would happen. He should have just stayed at work and focused on anything other than the letters that tease him on his wrists.

Once he was finished getting ready, he almost wanted to head off to work right away and avoid the conversation John would have with him before he left. The consequences of that would be just as bad as last night’s if Adams assumed he was off cheating on him again, and that left a crushing spot of guilt in his chest. The least he could do was stay and make John breakfast. With that decision in mind, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed what was left of the pancake mix.

John came out sooner than Alex expected him to, but he was grateful he at least didn’t have to go and try to wake him up. John offered him a small nod, sitting down at the table as he typed on his phone. His silence was deafening, as Alex had expected him to be yelling and raging at him. While it was strange, Alex accepted it, reminding himself that this was all his fault in the first place. If John wanted to give him the silent treatment, he could handle it.

Alex finished making their breakfast, setting the food on plates and setting it gently down in front of him. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak, either, so he stayed quiet just in case. He sat down on the opposite side of the table, casting a few nervous looks at his boyfriend. Adams gives no sign of emotion, just eating at the food Alex had made for the both of them.

Once he was done, Alex quickly stood up and swooped the plates off the table. He didn’t expect Adams to do anything except stare expressionlessly, but he felt a hand grip at his wrist. Alex winced at the pressure, but he managed to bring his eyes to meet John’s.

A few seconds of silence later, he finally said, “I talked to Charles last night. He told me he’d make sure to keep an eye on you today.”

Alexander took a quick breath. He had expected John to call one of his friends at his workplace, but it still hurt that he had betrayed his trust so badly. It’s the least I deserve, Alex reasoned, nodding eventually when he saw John was expecting him to respond. He knew Lee couldn’t watch him all day, but Alex knew that today he shouldn’t interact openly with Thomas. If Lee told Adams who it was that Alex was talking to…

The idea terrified him.

Alex didn’t speak anymore, quietly placing the dishes in the sink for later. He slipped on his shoes, then stood uncertainly by the door. He shifted on his feet, not knowing if Adams would want to talk anymore to him before he left for work. He didn’t have the chance to think too hard on his decision, as John stood up and walked calmly over to Alex. Instinctively, Alexander shrunk away, feeling intimidated at the looming presence. He tried to keep his gaze to the ground, but a hand grabbed roughly at his chin, and Alex was forced to look straight into John’s eyes.

“Don’t forget,” Adams said darkly, lightly stroking Alex’s cheek. “If I hear anything else…” His promise of what would come if he had any interactions with Thomas dangled threateningly above his head.

Nodding frantically, Alex quickly replied, “I understand, John. I’m so sorry.”

“You better be,” The much taller man hissed, his hand quickly flew from Alex’s face and all traces of previous gentleness was gone.. “Now leave before I change my fucking mind.” The anger was still rolling off of him in dizzying waves, it was scary. Alexander wanted to run away and curl up into a little ball. 

He scuttled off, almost sprinting out the front door to their house. His chest was rising and falling as the panic that was settling deep in his bones intensified. Shaking his head, Alex stepped away and began walking toward the bus stop, unable to keep the little tremor from radiating through his body. This would not be good. This was one of the worst things that could possibly happen and to add onto this mess, Charles Lee was one of Alex’s least favourite of John’s friends. He gave Alex a bad feeling. When the bus arrived, Alex jumped on quickly, trying to get as far away from the house as possible. He scanned the people, nobody he recognized was there and for that, he was eternally grateful. He didn’t know if he could deal with small talk and stupid conversations. 

Sitting down, he popped his earbuds in and leaned against the window to try and signify that he didn’t want anybody talking to him at any point. The bus ride felt short this time. He was too busy thinking to actually count the minutes as usual and that wasn’t such a bad thing. His mind wandered to how good Thomas was last night and how kindly he was treated and how he was fucking cuddled. It felt really domestic but also not. There was warmth that spread over his chest when he remembered Thomas’s little comforting gestures on the way back to his house. The way their hands slipped together like two puzzle pieces -- it was nice. Everything was nice when he was with Thomas. No, Alex. You’re dating John. You’re being a shit boyfriend. His mind was quick to remind him. Eventually, he gave up and sighed, allowing the music to fill his ears.

He arrived at his workplace about 10 minutes later, joining everybody else who was begrudgingly getting off the bus. Nobody wanted to go to work but it was Alexander in particular who really didn’t need to. He walked slowly, trying to delay the time as he walked into the building. When he was finally in, he glanced around, trying to find any sign of Thomas and when he found none, he took that as a go ahead to run straight toward his office. He had already betrayed John’s trust once and he wasn’t gonna do so again by talking to Laf, John and Herc. He didn’t want to push things any further. It would just be a bad idea. 

He shut the door to his office quickly, not wanting to be inviting in anyway although he knew a door never stopped Laf from barging in. His stomach settled slightly as he put the laptop down, allowing himself to relax and not worry too much. Just as he got the laptop on the desk there was a knock at his door. His body tensed up and he called a tentative, “Come in.” He regretted that decision almost immediately as the one man he had been trying to avoid walked in, looking just as nervous as Alex felt.

“I was beginning to worry about you,” Thomas murmured, approaching the desk just as Alex began to slide backwards in his chair. Fear rattled his veins as he frantically looked around for an exit, or any watching eyes. Finding none, he finally met Thomas’s worried gaze with a thinly-veiled look of nonchalance.

“Why would you worry?” Alexander spat, almost wincing at the chill in his voice. “We aren’t dating anymore. What gives you the right to worry?” His tone had the intended effect on Thomas, as the man flinched away as if he had been doused with cold water. Although he wanted to give Thomas a reason to hate him again, it still hurt to have to do it.

Thomas, however, took his iciness in stride, fixing him with a dark glare. “The right that you’re my soulmate,” he reminded him harshly, “and you've never been able to hide something from me. You're too transparent with your emotions. Now tell me what’s happening.” His words matched the coolness in Alex’s, but while he was telling Alex how obvious his emotions were, his own were clear in the way he looked at Alex.

Clenching his fists on the side of his chair, he moved farther to the wall to escape Thomas. He was already bearing guilt from cheating on John, he couldn't handle more from hurting his soulmate. Purposely avoiding looking at his wrist, he stared straight back at Thomas with narrowed eyes. “I’m not obligated to tell you shit,” he snapped. “Now get out of my office, I have work to do.” He tried to reach for his laptop and ignore Thomas, but his hand was caught mid air and held in a tight fist.

Alexander looked up to see Thomas staring at him, and he had to bite his lip to keep his emotions from spilling over. Thomas seemed to already somehow _know_ , but it was like he just wanted Alex to confirm it. The concern, clearer than anything in his expression, almost made him want to trust him again. He wanted to tell him everything, right there. Maybe if he knew he had a boyfriend, Thomas would be disgusted by him for cheating, and he would finally leave him alone. He opened his mouth to tell him such information, but then, he heard a soft, but quick, series of knocks on the door.

He felt his blood run cold and he quickly snatched his hand away from Thomas, staring at his desk as he heard the door open without his permission. Only one person would do that, and Alex had recognized the pattern of knocks. No matter what he did now, he was fucked.

“Alexander,” Lee spoke from the doorway, his voice far too excited as his eyes catch onto Thomas. “And who might this be?”

Alex could see Thomas scowl as he met Lee’s eyes. “I’m afraid Alexander is _busy_ at the moment,” he said, his voice far too dark to sound remotely polite. “We’d appreciate if you just waited your turn.”

“Of course,” Lee said, his voice too formal for his gleeful smirk he shot at Alexander. “It was nice seeing you, Alexander.” With that, he swept out of the office, and Alex swore he could see him practically skipping.

Thomas turned back around to face Alex, most likely to yell at him again, but he was already standing up and and heading for the door. He didn't care that he was abandoning his work and leaving Thomas so rudely, he just had to get to Lee and stop him--

“What the hell, Alex?” Thomas snapped, grabbing Alex’s arm and pulling him back into the room before he could walk away. “You can’t just leave right now. I know something is going on--”

“Just let it be, Thomas!” Alex yelled, attempting to rip his arm out of his grasp. Thomas seemed momentarily shocked at his outburst, but his grip didn't loosen on him. It only seemed to tighten with his worry. 

“No!” Thomas finally yelled, not holding back his frustration. Alex’s struggle eased up in his surprise at the simple word, and he flinched away, as if he expected Thomas to strike him.

There was a dull ache in Alex’s arm. He already had several bruises there and the unforgiving and rough way Thomas grabbed it didn’t do anything to soothe the pain. He bit his lip to keep from crying as he cowered away slightly. He fucked up. Rule 1: Don’t talk back to your partner. He had really really fucked up and Thomas was now going to beat him and he would deserve it. God damn it Alex, why do you always do this? His eyes attached to the ground as he quickly stuttered out an apology. 

“Alex?” Thomas’s voice became soft once more, a tone he loved so dearly. It didn’t manage to pry him from his little shell though. He snuck a glance look up at Thomas and found nothing but worry etched all over the other man's face.

“Alex, please--” Thomas began, trying to step closer to him. He paused as he saw Alex only shrunk further away from him in an attempt to ward off the pain he expected to come his way. He didn’t try to get any closer, but he asked quietly, “Why are you acting so scared of me? You know I would never hurt you, right?”

The tenderness in his voice only brought Alex to tears. He allowed strands of hair to fall in front of his eyes as he kept his face lowered, hoping that they could somehow mask the misery in his expression. Damn it, he _did_ know that his soulmate would never hurt him, but that rational thought was struck down with a bolt of overwhelming terror and guilt. 

Weakly, he managed out a small, hoarse, “Please let me go. I really need to go.” He hated how ridiculously weak he sounded but he really needed to get the hell out of there. 

And like Thomas did with most things in his life, _he let go_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey babes!!
> 
> omg it's been so long but guess what? THE DREAM TEAM IS BACK IN BUSINESS aka. jodi and becca actually have time to write now :D sry for leaving u guys for like,, ever. we back now though. and we're gonna try 2 commit.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is what me and becca (showtiime) have been working on!!! this'll be a pretty dark and sad fic verY VERY ANGSTY and just one of the best decisions we've ever made :P we decided to combine our skills to write this !! we hope u enjoy so much !! cant wait to take this journey with yall!
> 
> it would mean the world if u dropped a comment <3


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